Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
