i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
