so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
