I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
