my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
