On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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