Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
