Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
