"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
