Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
