I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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