from now on my penis is your penis
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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