All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
