Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
