At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
