It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
