On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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