I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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