We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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