lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am available for nakedness
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
