toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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