Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
