i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize