i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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