I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
