This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
