he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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