Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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