this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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