Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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