I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
