Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
