i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
