In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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