I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
