It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
