hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
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I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize