sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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