What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
