Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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