2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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