just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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