Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
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HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
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Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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