Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
