my phone needs a breathalizer
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
