I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
where are you?
Hypothermia
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
