Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
its not stalking. its research.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
