If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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