I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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