I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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