dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
