Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
