There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
