Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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