sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
