I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
