And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I did not marry a roomba.
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