he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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